The car engines kept exploding; in fact they were killing people.

While the engine manufacturers recognized that an engine was involved, they insisted the engines were not relevant to the problem.

So the companies making car doors reinforced their product, providing some protection if the engines exploded, which they continued to do. The stronger doors did not work.

Maybe if the tires were better, fatalities would be less. The newly fabricated tires had no impact.

Are the people who sell engines duly registered with the proper authorities. Not all, but a much higher percentage than before. The engines kept exploding anyway.

To be fair, there were a few people who ventured the opinion that the engines might be key to the problem.  Their voices were somewhat on the quiet side as apparently to be critical of the engines was construed as being anti-science.

Driving lessons were made more rigorous, a good idea for sure given the rate of auto accidents.

And drivers were instructed to be more consistent on the octane of the gasoline they used.

Alas, the engines refused to stay unexploded.

Agreement was finally reached: make the steel stronger, and the windows, and the seat cushions. Require the brake to be depressed in order to press the Start button to turn on the car.

I’ll be darned if the engines did not keep exploding.

A group was formed, Victims of Exploding Engines. It traveled the country with its message of engine safety. Now a lot of people own cars obviously, which led to that persistent attitude people have about everything from airplane crashes to being robbed at the supermarket – it won’t happen to me. “So sorry about the demise of people you loved but I have other issues that I need to deal with, like why is my Amazon package not arriving on time.”

The engines just kept exploding, even when the federal government department in charge of auto safety issued a warning to all drivers.

FINALLY, FORMERLY QUIET VOICES BECAME LOUDER, RISING TO A CRESCENDO.

THEY SCREAMED “IT’S ABOUT THE ******* ENGINE!”

 **

Here is a partial list of the country’s response to mass school shootings:

Armed teachers … Bulletproof backpacks … Survivor manuals … Red Flag committees … Redesigned schools … More security officers at schools … Increased number of regulated gun dealers … Greater awareness of 3-D printed guns … Legal consequences for parents … Better reporting of bullying … More attention to the needs of understaffed rural schools … Increased number of relevant non-profit organizations … Greater frequency of op ed essays in leading publications … Increased scrutiny of the NRA’s governance structure … Intensive reading of the Constitution … Publicized comparisons of American shooting statistics with those of peers … Increased awareness that police departments need more training.

NEWSFLASH: IT’S ABOUT THE ******* GUNS!

 

Our phone number is 737-732-8968 (RespectYou). We answer the phone with a human voice, because it is a human. Better yet, come visit. We’re open 24/7; please bring your own coffee.

Respect University (RU) is located at 842 Peachtree Lane, Fredricksburg, Virginia 07683.

Surprise: RU knows that the cost of college is like a big deal to you.

In analyzing university website information, an unemployed Ph.D candidate calculated there were  4,874,123 possible combinations of student situations and financial variations.

RU takes a different approach. Because it wants you to learn with us, sleep with us, eat with us, and have fun with us, we are simplifying the numbers.

This is what it costs the RU student taking the standard five-course regimen: $60,000 per year.

Please keep reading to understand this number and how it is to be financed. Patience.

Note: the figure above is THE number. It includes your fine education, a decent room, and edible food; there are NO other costs, no bogus fees dreamed up by anal accountants.

What about health insurance you quickly ask? Good question. If you give us money for that purpose, we keep none of it. It all goes to the rapacious insurance company and is therefore not part of the cost of being a student at RU.

Strong suggestion: you should secure your own health insurance coverage so that the number remains a zero in the above $60,000 figure.

OK, no way are you going to write a check for $60,000 to attend our wonderful university. Correct. Here is what you are going to pay and where the money comes from:

The RU Scholarship:     $10,000.             Not to be repaid.

Outside Scholarship:   $4,000                 Not to be repaid.

Pell Grant:                          $8,000                 Not to be repaid.

State Grant:                      $6,000                 Not to be repaid.

Federal Loans                  $6,000                 To be repaid after you graduate.

Private Loans                   $6,000                 To be repaid based on the loan terms

Family                                 $20,000               To be repaid with undying love and by graduating

After you have completed three years at RU and are a student in good standing – you’ve paid your bills, are on track to graduate at the end of year four and have not done anything outstandingly stupid, your fourth year will be FREE.

RU offers 24 majors. In semesters one, two, and three, every RU student takes the same courses. Semester four is comprised of introductory courses relevant to a student’s major. Semesters five through eight are all about the student’s major.

A professor is assigned to each student when they enroll at RU. That professor will be your mentor, counselor, advisor, and confidante. Yes, if the match is documentably horrible, it will be switched.

RU has no adjunct professors; all its professors are on three-year renewable contracts.

There are no fraternities or sororities at RU. RU has no offices and clubs that are staffed so we can pontificate about different issues. Instead, RU encourages students to form the types of associations they want.

RU offers four sports: tennis, volleyball, basketball and indoor soccer. They share a single large gym (yes, it’s a complicated schedule). The mixture of genders in each sport is solely a function of what students decide. RU is not part of the NCAA and normally does not compete with other schools.

RU does not believe in throwing smoke about future job success. As the noted scholar

Yogi Berra said, “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.” 

What RU does believe is that its graduates will lead fruitful lives. And when you brag about earning your diploma at Respect University, we will try not to blush.

P.S. If your immediate reaction is to think about various what ifs (if my mom brings me food, can you knock something off the price of RU; if I commute and don’t need a dorm), you are putting yourself in a different mental place than the student we are seeking. The latter is a person who wants to be with us full-time, who – if necessary – will learn some flexibility. In all likelihood, the incoming student will have been a bit coddled growing up (not you of course, but maybe your friend and definitely your roommate), a character flaw (of your parents actually) which either will be rectified here or you will be less than totally happy. At Respect University, we want joy, coupled with rigor.