How it really went down
Roman, aide to Vladimir Putin, called Susan, aide to President Biden
Susan to Biden: President Biden, President Biden! Vladimir Putin is on the line.
Biden to Susan: Why are you bothering me, you know it’s my nap time.
Susan to Biden: It’s Putin.
Biden to Susan: Oh, why didn’t you say so.
Susan to Biden: Did you put your hearing aid in your left ear like always?
Biden to Susan: Whoops, forgot. Here I go, I’m doing it now.
**
Biden: Vladimir, how are you? Long time, no talk. I am so glad you called. Congress is potentially cutting back on its aid to Ukraine. It would be nice for you to pause your devastation.
Putin: No problem, Joey, consider it done. But the real reason I called was – I need Viktor back.
Biden: Who? Wait, I remember, he is like a really bad guy, responsible indirectly for the death of several hundred thousand people.
Putin: A million actually, but who’s counting.
Biden: But he got convicted.
Putin: Happens all the time. Look, I’m spit-balling a bit here but I know you need something in return for giving me my Viktor. How about Paul Whelan?
Biden: Who the hell is he?
Putin to Roman: Doesn’t this guy get any help from his aides!
Putin to Biden: Some sort of computer geek.
Biden: Where is he well known?
Putin: I don’t know, maybe some club for middle-aged white guys!
Biden: No interest, what else you got?
Putin: A well-known person, like front page of the New York Times.
Biden: I’m listening, go on.
Putin: Female.
Biden: Good.
Putin: Black
Biden: Excellent
Putin: Gay
Biden: Awesome, I like it Vlad. Who is she?
Biden to Susan, who is Putin talking about?
Susan to Biden: A basketball player, you know the really tall one who supposedly had some drugs with her when she tried to leave Russia.
Biden to Susan: Damn, I forgot all about her.
Biden: Vlad, I think we have a deal if you throw in Paul.
Putin: Cannot do that, Joey baby.
Biden: Ok, I understand. Too much to ask. So let’s make the trade. I give you an arms dealer and you give me a basketball player.
Putin: Thanks Joey, I’m drinking a toast to this and future deals with you.
Biden: Call anytime, Vlad.
Biden to Susan, I’m going to finish my nap now. No more interruptions.
Susan to Biden: What if the press hears about the trade and calls with questions?
Biden to Susan: Refer them to the New York Times or Pravda: they can explain the deal.