RESTAURANT PROTOCOL

We have this unusual environment. Lots of indications that the economy is moving ahead nicely, regardless of the empty storefronts which dot the landscape. Most germane to this modest tutorial is that restaurants seemingly have ceased training their servers, apparently out of gratitude that the latter have graced the establishment with their sheer presence.

Into this void I offer a few observations and suggestions.

*My little group, typically four, has arrived a touch later than the lunchtime rush or a touch early for the evening crowd. Of, let’s say, 20 tables, there are only four occupied, all in the same section. The hostess attempts to see us in that area. I say “No, could we please sit over there.”

We know what is going on – seating for the convenience of the server and/or to keep servers from complaining to the hostess about fairness in seating. However, I believe that as the paying customer who keeps both server and hostess employed, I get to choose where we sit.

*We still have mouthfuls of the entrée in our mouths when the server asks if we will be wanting anything else. Impolite on one count, absurd on a second count considering the timing, and self-defeating on a third count as it reduces the chances of ordering dessert. Which means a lesser check and a proportionally lesser gratuity.

*Adding insult to the above error is actually putting the check on the table at that time, usually with the silly verbiage, “no hurry, whenever you are ready.” Don’t hurry the customer and deny you are doing so simultaneously.

*On occasion, I pay for my meal in cash. The cashier would assist the server and the customer at the same time by giving change which recognizes the expectation of a gratuity being left on the table. If the check is $29.50 and a $50 bill is used in payment, the cashier should not return a $20 bill and two quarters. They should return a $10, a $5, five one-dollar bills and two quarters. This way the customer can leave a gratuity anywhere from four to nine dollars (ignoring less likely combinations) without having to flag down the server for the run to the cashier to break the $20 bill.

*It is not unusual for a meal to have a portion beyond the reasonable capability of an ordinary sized person to consume it comfortably. Which means a box for carry-out is in order. The server should not make any suggestion about said box until it is crystal clear that a need exists.

*One way for a server to understand the dynamics of each table is to have rotating eyes when walking through their section, even while on their way to a specific table. This observation technique simply gives them a fast picture of where each table is in their unique combination of eating and conversing.

*A contemporary twist on serving is the couple, or more, whose attention is their phones, not the food or the conversation. Bring their food as fast as possible. They are not there for a relaxing meal.

*Unless there is a specific signal from the customer, do not clear their dishes while others at the table are still eating. It is another silent indication that the server would like to move the table along; the common verbiage of, “it will give you more room” is nonsense, unless of course the customer feels the need to put both arms up to their shoulders on the table.

AN INCREDIBLY SHORT PRIMER

You must be conversational about professional sports. Here are some succinct descriptors:

The Jets are perpetual losers

              The Giants are always better than their record

              The Yankees must win the World Series or the season is a failure

              The Mets suck

              The Knicks are better than the Jets

              Nobody cares about the Nets

              The Rangers last won something called “The Cup” a hundred years ago

              The Devils play somewhere else

              The Islanders likewise play somewhere else, but nowhere near the Devils

              The area’s various soccer teams have names nobody remembers

A Few General Things to know:

              Instead of gifted and talented programs, everybody gets a trophy

              Nobody reads

              Adults do not return phone calls

              Everybody laments income inequality and buys the next new phone

              Everybody hates Facebook and uses it constantly

              A progressive is somebody who reaches into an affluent person’s wallet to retrieve money

              A conservative has a security guard for his wallet

              A moderate is conflicted: do I hire a security guard or do I voluntarily cough up my wallet

              Diversity = DEI = BIPOC = an increased number of African Americans being hired

              Immigration = Hispanic = Mexican = illegal

              N …. cannot be said or spelled out, unless you are African American, in which case it’s fine

If you are the contemplative sort, these are some interesting questions. What if —

              Moms spent as much time reading with their daughters as doing their hair and nails

              Dads spent as much time reading with their sons as working on the former’s car

              Big churches were open to the community seven days a week

              Playgrounds were unlocked sun up to sun down

              The 40 acres and a mule program had been implemented

              The number of workers fixing the roads was proportionate to the number of cones

**

In time, probably faster than you expect, you will be adding multiple entries to the above list.

You might even have a thought or two about why you decided to move to the “Big Apple,” its nickname that involves some story about New Orleans.

Most significantly, you will come to realize that understanding New York City is not synonymous with knowing America, with all its greatness, warts, and beguiling unfilled promises.